grungezombie.net

Ugh, it’s been 5 months since my last journal post, and I’m sick of looking at it. It’s depressing. I have a ton of stuff that I want to bunch together into a journal entry about what I’ve been up to the last few months… but I don’t feel like putting that much effort in right now. So here’s some funny things that make me laugh nearly to point of soiling myself… WOO!

My absolute FAVORITE Chuck Norris Facts:

• Guns don’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
• There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
• The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
• There is no chin under Chuck Norris’ Beard. There is only another fist.
• Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk, and Kill.
• Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
• Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
• When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
• Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
• Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
• Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
• Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
• When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
• If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
• Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
• When Chuck Norris jumps in a pool, he dosen’t get wet… the water gets Chuck Norris.
• Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
• Chuck Norris appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
• Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
• Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
• Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back.
• Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
• Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
• When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
• It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.
• A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon.
• Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
• Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “BANG”.
• If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris has the greatest poker face of all time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite his hand consisting of only a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, a green number 4 from Uno, and a Monopoly ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card.
• Chuck Norris invented water.
• Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
• The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
• Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72… and they’re all poisonous.
• When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
• Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken’s famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
• Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
• Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
• Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
• In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
• Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
• Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles?” contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
• Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
• If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Also, here’s a couple SNL Digital Shorts that I enjoy. Both with Andy Samberg, who reminds me so much of my little brother, and without whom SNL would be dead to me. The first one (PUNCHED!), I think I’ve plugged here before, is absolutely hilarious and is my #1 favorite that I’ve found on the internet to-date.

• People Getting Punched Just Before Eating
• Iran So Far

Quick Note: These are directly from the NBC.com Saturday Night Live Videos section and I could not get them to load at all in Internet Explorer, I had to use Firefox. That may be because I have dial-up, but you never know; IE is a bitch for no apparent reason sometimes.

I have resolved to quit my job.

Things have been going down the shit hole for a while now, and I just can’t take the bullshit anymore.

Two of my paychecks bounced last fall, but I said to myself, “I’ll stick with it and things will get better and I’ll be no worse for the wear and have an awesome job.”

I mysteriously received a raise (surprise!), a few days before they fired the only other HTML Programmer, which I thought was a little suspicious. So now I had a raise, and 2-times the workload.

Shortly after, 70% of the employees fled, and they kept telling me, “You better start looking for a different job,” and I said “Yeah, thanks, but I’m going to work through things around here and see what happens.”

Then one payday came and I didn’t get a check at all. The boss was out of town and “Oops! - Forgot to sign the checks!” Bullshit. BUT I STAYED AND WORKED THROUGH IT, because apparently I am a dumbass.

Many suspicious happenings and shady business practices later, things got REALLY weird and people started getting paranoid and playing the blame game. I was told that *I* was “unreliable” and I am now no longer allowed to work from home because it’s “too difficult” to “track” the work that I do at home. Apparently, the last 8+ months working from home, I’ve just been stealing money from the company.

Oh, and my schedule is no longer flexible, as stated in my original employment contract. Oh, and since I’ve been missing so much work because of the winter weather and being snowed-in at our house in the country, I’ve only been getting 30-35 hours (3-4 days) in a week, which is not full time, so I lose my benefits, insurance, vacation and sick time.

I was told to “consider my options” and “talk it over with my spouse” and blah, blah, blah. So I did. Bo said, “Fuck them. They’ve fucked you around so much, they can eat shit. Their business is fucked, they can’t even pay the people that work for them, and they’re either too stupid, or they don’t give a shit enough to carry payroll insurance like a responsible employer. Fuck them. Quit. You’ll get another job, and you’ll actually get PAID for the work that you do.”

But I got all wishy-washy, and was like “But there’s so much work to do, and I feel so bad, if I leave it will just get shoved off on everybody else and make them more frustrated and overworked, and I just don’t know…” and Bo said, “Fuck that! None of that is your problem. They should wise-up and leave, too.”

That was Tuesday, Feb. 5th.

On Wednesday, we had the worst snowstorm in Iowa since 1973. 14 inches of snow in 24 hours, with sustained winds of 30-50 mph after that. We were snowed-in and drifted-in and fucked Wednesday and Thursday; Bo logged about 30-hours worth of plowing and re-injured his back which had just been “adjusted” the week before. Poor guy, works so hard for his family, you just can’t stop him. Thank God for him.

Then came Friday, Feb. 8th, when I was handed a piece of paper that looked like a paycheck, smelled like a paycheck, same relative size, weight, and density as a paycheck, but has yet to be converted into worthwhile currency. The bank won’t cash it because there is no money in the account. No employees can cash their checks. There’s no money. I don’t know when/if there will be.

I am holding my check until Friday. I don’t know why. Whether it clears or not, I’m done. I’m turning in my time, and on Friday, Feb. 22nd they’ll send me another piece of paper with a dollar amount and a signature that’s worth nothing and it’s going to turn into a fuck-tarded ridiculous mess. FUCK.

I feel terrible. But I’ve felt terrible since the start of the new year because of all this shit and I’m sick of it. If I stay there, I’ll just keep feeling like shit. I am committed to my decision, and everyone I’ve talked to agrees that I should get out and seek more a more stable payroll and work environment. Friday, Feb. 15th will be my last day. So sad. I will miss my co-worker friends.

Fuck.

Happy 40th Birthday to Mike Patton!

General Patton Sings Happy Birthday
(not to himself, but you get the reference, I hope)

To celebrate, I went to see I Am Legend in-theater with my dad and little bro. It was quite excellent. The movie did not follow the book very much at all, though. *big suprise* Other than the title, the main character’s name (Robert Neville), and the plot line aspect that the human race has been transformed into Vampire-like creatures, there was not much of the original story within this newest “adaptation”. Of course, the time period was updated, so there was new technology and vehicles and such available to the main character. However, some of the biggest differences that I noticed were:

• The circumstance of Robert Neville’s family’s demise was completely changed
• Robert Neville began the movie with a dog; while in the book, he does “find” a dog, but the dog is infected and dies after about 2 weeks.
• In the book, Robert Neville is a person of German-English descent, with blonde hair and blue eyes. But I can’t argue with their casting of Will Smith in this movie; most excellent performance and very enjoyable.
• In the book, Robert Neville is not a scientist; he has a blue collar job, and after the “plague” uses his “spare time” as “the last man on earth” to study books to learn about the disease.
• The end of the movie was totally changed. This new ending fits the new movie adaptation well, but the book’s ending is classic and will always be my favorite. READ THE BOOK!

The most AWESOME aspect of the movie, by far, is Mike Patton voicing the various demonic noises of all the vampire-like creatures. Wow. Absolutely brilliant. What a most excellent project for The Man. WATCH THE MOVIE!

I hate fucking blogging. But I do love sharing cool shit from around the internet. Some of this crap is from John. Thank you for the random crap, John. (see asterisks)

New Meshuggah track from impending March 7 Obzen release, entitled “Bleed”
http://danmax.net/john/Stuff/Meshuggah - Bleed.mp3
I think this may be the absolute heaviest metal I’ve EVER HEARD.
Along with the new album, Meshuggah will be touring with Ministry this Spring.
http://www.meshuggah.net/tour/

George A. Romero’s newest and upcoming Zombie movie!
“Diary of the Dead” Trailer …and as long as we’re on the topic…

5 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen*
http://www.cracked.com/article_15643_p5.html

Best Essay EVER*
It seems this essay was written while the guy was high hilarious 

Here’s one for all my fellow netgeeks out there.*
shut up i hack you 

SNL Digital Short: PUNCHED!*
http://www.influks.com/post1760.html
Hilarious!

The picture that is unexplainable.*
http://chickencrap.com/c.php?c=1161

The Bad Comics Challenge*
http://nedroid.com/bcpage1.html
I especially like, 18, 27, the title of 36 is awesome, 40, 46, 47, 55, 64, 71, 84, “99. Red Ballons”, 103, 121, 131, 154, 168-169, and the running “slept with your wife”, groin kickings, and taco jokes. WOO!

I could take 15 five-year-olds in a fight.*
http://www.howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com/

This could be the greatest e-card site EVER.*
http://www.someecards.com/ 

And various YouTubeness…
• This is why you shouldn’t fly kites near power lines*
• Faith No More: Portishead “Glory Box” cover (live)
because Mike Patton is a sexy bitch, even especially when covered in other people’s saliva. Hot damn. (and the prequel: Spit in Mike Patton’s Mouth)

We recently went to see DEVILDRIVER at the Reverb in Cedar Falls. IT FUCKIN ROCKED. It was a small venue and the stage was only about 3-foot off the floor, so the band was RIGHT THERE. Then Dez told the bouncers that they didn’t need to stand up by the stage so they moved to the back of the crowd and everyone was right up in front of the stage. Man, that was so awesome. I think that’s the closest I’ve been to a band while they were performing, and it was DEVILDRIVER! Why did it have to end?

My job is… going… “well”, I suppose. The company is suffering some “financial setbacks” and my paycheck bounced a couple times, but it all got taken care of and now I’ve wised up and I cash my check at the company’s bank before I deposit it in my bank. Take that, you bastards. I love my job and everything, but if I don’t get paid, that’s about it. Yep.

Holidays are in full swing, and life is BUSY. Luckily, I got all my Christmas shopping done the day before Thanksgiving. So, I’ve been wrapping presents for the last 2 days. I love wrapping presents! I love Christmas. Next will be to get a Christmas tree and get the house all decked-out with the decorations. Yay! Gunner is so excited about Christmas and Santa and the Christmas tree and presents. Now that he can’t go outside everyday, he just runs around the house singing Christmas songs and playing with empty wrapping paper tubes. Man, I wish I could just run around in my underwear all day and have people make my food and play and give me hugs. Lol.